I love my life most of the time. The Creature is being very sweet lately, I am using what I learned in my "positive discipline" class. I went down to the basement a minute ago and got a fresh beer out of the keg, a Belgian Wit that is out of this world. I opened the storage room and found a box of wooden beads and string that I knew would delight the little guy that was on my hip this whole time. I love my husband and today, he was hurt ( by a nerf dart in the eye) and I enjoyed being with him in the ER as I read out loud to him from Mother Jones and the Frommer's guide to Chile, unencumbered by small people as my mom was watching the little guys and My Friendly Neighbor had the big boy. It was a good, relaxing day.

In the midst of this peace I do stop and realize I will never get used to the idea of one of my kids not being here. Its not self pity, it just is. I will always parent the one boy who is not here, as much as I do the other ones. I am starting to carry him in a different place, but he will always be carried along with us. There's not much else to say, because that's how it is; have fun, stop,think , go back to fun, and remember that its different here.