Today I was telling a fellow preschool mom after drop off about Alistair, my boy in heaven. I've seen her at church and around town too and I know she's very nice. She is pregnant with her 5th baby and she was remarking that her new baby was going to be 3 years younger than her youngest--her biggest space yet. I told her I prefer 3 years part and that I've had kids 2 years apart, 1 year apart and 3 years apart. Which of course led into telling her about Alistair. I am pretty open about him, with my kids and with my friends, but I don't feel the need to tell every mom I meet. I felt bad because she is pregnant and I just kept it to the basics so as not to scare her. She said, "How did you do it?" and I said, "I'm still doing it and I just do it." It was nice to talk about him for a minute.
We talked about other stuff and even laughed and joked around out there in the cold. I liked her because she could switch gears easily, like me. Some people just don't know what to say and some people walk away. I don't blame them. I don't like pity though, I don't feel sorry for myself. I loved every minute I had with my boy. He made me a much better person than I was before. I do miss him every day and always will.
I do wonder if I did just give up would people think that was a normal response? "Oh, she just fell apart, she lost it because her son died." Grief is hard and excruciating work that must be done, I'm not talking about that--that is very healthy--I'm talking about never coming out of that dark first few years. I couldn't stay there, I had another kid around to take care of when Alistair died. But I also have too much respect for Alistair as a person, to give up and be bitter. I try to be my best, it honors him for me to be here and be as whole as possible for my family. Of course I have a lot of work to do to get there, but still... :)
p.s. I just read this on one of my favorite new blogs, http://closetotheroot.blogspot.com/
and it sort of sums up what I was trying to say in my need-to-go-to-bed convoluted way, " We are never the same, after these losses. We never get back to "normal" but, life does become a good place to be once again; in time."
- I'm just a mom in the world. A crunchy Catholic mama of 6 trying to make sense of it all and stay positive. 5 boys here & 1 in heaven. One awesome man who I get to grow old with. I help new moms breastfeed. I`m happy. I don`t go to shows or dance clubs every night but I would if I could. Where`s the nanny? When I see her she`s SO fired! One of my boys is super sweet and sensitive, another one is a holy terror. I learn a ton from all of them daily. Like Nigella says, as any parent of small children knows,there comes a point in the day where you can`t go any further without a drink! I love cocktail hour. I`d like nothing more than to be with my family and some good friends surrounded by tropical plants drinking a margarita listening to the Eagles. I don`t care about trendy, I like that grungy 70`s vibe.