Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Today I was telling a fellow preschool mom after drop off about Alistair, my boy in heaven. I've seen her at church and around town too and I know she's very nice. She is pregnant with her 5th baby and she was remarking that her new baby was going to be 3 years younger than her youngest--her biggest space yet. I told her I prefer 3 years part and that I've had kids 2 years apart, 1 year apart and 3 years apart. Which of course led into telling her about Alistair. I am pretty open about him, with my kids and with my friends, but I don't feel the need to tell every mom I meet. I felt bad because she is pregnant and I just kept it to the basics so as not to scare her. She said, "How did you do it?" and I said, "I'm still doing it and I just do it." It was nice to talk about him for a minute.

We talked about other stuff and even laughed and joked around out there in the cold. I liked her because she could switch gears easily, like me. Some people just don't know what to say and some people walk away. I don't blame them. I don't like pity though, I don't feel sorry for myself. I loved every minute I had with my boy. He made me a much better person than I was before. I do miss him every day and always will.

I do wonder if I did just give up would people think that was a normal response? "Oh, she just fell apart, she lost it because her son died." Grief is hard and excruciating work that must be done, I'm not talking about that--that is very healthy--I'm talking about never coming out of that dark first few years. I couldn't stay there, I had another kid around to take care of when Alistair died. But I also have too much respect for Alistair as a person, to give up and be bitter. I try to be my best, it honors him for me to be here and be as whole as possible for my family. Of course I have a lot of work to do to get there, but still... :)

p.s. I just read this on one of my favorite new blogs,
and it sort of sums up what I was trying to say in my need-to-go-to-bed convoluted way, " We are never the same, after these losses. We never get back to "normal" but, life does become a good place to be once again; in time."


Elizabeth said...

In one of Madeleine L'Engle's novels, a character is asked if she has gotten over her friend's death. She says, "You never get over some one. You just go on living the best you can." This post made me think of that line.

clara said...

I love that, thanks.
I think I will start reading her books to my oldest too, I had forgotten about her.

About Me

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I'm just a mom in the world. A crunchy Catholic mama of 6 trying to make sense of it all and stay positive. 5 boys here & 1 in heaven. One awesome man who I get to grow old with. I help new moms breastfeed. I`m happy. I don`t go to shows or dance clubs every night but I would if I could. Where`s the nanny? When I see her she`s SO fired! One of my boys is super sweet and sensitive, another one is a holy terror. I learn a ton from all of them daily. Like Nigella says, as any parent of small children knows,there comes a point in the day where you can`t go any further without a drink! I love cocktail hour. I`d like nothing more than to be with my family and some good friends surrounded by tropical plants drinking a margarita listening to the Eagles. I don`t care about trendy, I like that grungy 70`s vibe.