Alistair, we miss you.

Today would be/is my second son`s 4th birthday. Today it just made me mad having to go to the cemetery instead of having a group of 4 year olds here to trash the house and eat cake. It gets easier in that you don`t cry every day, but you always notice someone missing.

Another blog for a newly bereaved mom of a baby boy had this quote on it. A lady named Tabor said this: (hope she doesn`t mind)
"This is a big cruel mountain to climb, but I think it will strengthen you more and the view at the top will be much better than the view that we have...those of us who muddle through each day with far less understanding."
It is a different world that bereaved parents live in, but in some ways its wonderful because we can cut through the crap easier, we know what`s important, and good times feel great, because we know how the worst thing feels.

2 views of a Columbine, since their short lived glory days are right now & one view of a mama who is very grateful to her husband for making these days of exploring with little boyz possible.

Last Wednesday, a great day for a picnic at Huntley Meadows park, a snapping turtle & a babe in the woods.

Afternoon at the garden store.

breathing a sigh of relief on this Wednesday to be making it through another tough week of scary doctors appointments.

grateful that this little boy is strong like all of his brothers.

"A human being is a single being. Unique and unrepeatable."

- Pope John Paul II

My shire-like neighborhood (next to the house) and my new plant!

The boyz on Easter Sunday, after getting up at 6 to see their Easter baskets. Here they are at their grandparent`s house.

Thank God

Finally, for the first time in this pregnancy, I feel a little relaxed about things, as much as a mom like me can. I had my big 20 week ultrasound today & my placenta that was a complete previa, has moved! This little one is definitely a boy and looks very healthy on u/s. What a blessing, I can`t believe how it all gets built so well in there.

Delicious cocktail hour treats at the beach.

Grateful Wednesday

Today I am grateful to be feeling good and its beautiful outside.

I am grateful for the sweetness of my toddler right now, his hugs and kisses are the best. Pulling him in a wagon at the garden store was excellent.

I am grateful for a LLL meeting last night that flowed smoothly after a challenging start and many new mamas enjoying the heck out of their babies.

Being right on the beach was the best! It was the best sleep I`ve had in years.

the view from our bedroom at the beach in Emerald Isle!

So, I was having a very hard day with big worries about Chunky # 4 and yet nothing has happened yet, its just doctors throwing probabilities and stats at me.

I go pick up my contax and they were playing Don Henley in the waiting room. I felt instantly relaxed as I pictured myself not pregnant one day, with kids entertaining themselves at the beach as I stand with a drink in my hand watching the sunset and hearing the Eagles. AHH, instant relaxation. As I left the office I thought wouldn`t it be nice if I could turn on the radio & keep hearing the Eagles. And it happened exactly like that! So it goes to show, you never know. I`m simple, I`ll take any little sign, so that little sign makes me feel a little better. Tomorrow we head for the beach!

Oh, I have not been motivated at all to be here writing about anything. I am not sick anymore, but the dear husband had surgery and had his shoulder rebuilt so it has been a mellow nursing environ. I am busy growing my 4th BOY, so exciting to be a boy mama. Too much stress though, I like the non pregnant part of life a lot, going to wineries, kayaking & trekking with the heft of a toddler on my back. one day I`ll do that again, now I have to stay positive and grow grow grow!

Big Mama & her big boyz

Since the nausea is almost past, here`s 2 lovely images of me in the thick of it. And a beautiful clean living room, since its the only room in the whole house I can maintain!

Here are two of the greatest songs I`ve heard recently:

Be without You--Mary J Blige

Dear Mr. Fantasy--Traffic