Green Springy

What a beautiful Friday morning in May. Only one silent tantrum from Karl!

Green Spring Gardens, just Creature & mama

2 great plants, a mammoth elephant ear & a weird blue green fingernail looking thing from South America.

Grateful Wednesday already!

Let`s see, I`m grateful for this beautiful time of year and the friendly neighbors and good friends I get to be with outside in the wide world.

I`m grateful to have my parents and I appreciate being near them every day.

That`s all I can do for now so I don`t get too corny.

Alistair`s birthday

This is what we do on our son`s birthday. Only other bereaved parents really like to see what other grieving families do, but since I have a place in the computer to put whatever I want, I`ll remember my son here today, on the day he was born 4 years ago.

Alistair, we miss you.

Today would be/is my second son`s 4th birthday. Today it just made me mad having to go to the cemetery instead of having a group of 4 year olds here to trash the house and eat cake. It gets easier in that you don`t cry every day, but you always notice someone missing.

Another blog for a newly bereaved mom of a baby boy had this quote on it. A lady named Tabor said this: (hope she doesn`t mind)
"This is a big cruel mountain to climb, but I think it will strengthen you more and the view at the top will be much better than the view that we have...those of us who muddle through each day with far less understanding."
It is a different world that bereaved parents live in, but in some ways its wonderful because we can cut through the crap easier, we know what`s important, and good times feel great, because we know how the worst thing feels.

2 views of a Columbine, since their short lived glory days are right now & one view of a mama who is very grateful to her husband for making these days of exploring with little boyz possible.

Last Wednesday, a great day for a picnic at Huntley Meadows park, a snapping turtle & a babe in the woods.

Afternoon at the garden store.

breathing a sigh of relief on this Wednesday to be making it through another tough week of scary doctors appointments.

grateful that this little boy is strong like all of his brothers.

"A human being is a single being. Unique and unrepeatable."

- Pope John Paul II

My shire-like neighborhood (next to the house) and my new plant!

The boyz on Easter Sunday, after getting up at 6 to see their Easter baskets. Here they are at their grandparent`s house.

Thank God

Finally, for the first time in this pregnancy, I feel a little relaxed about things, as much as a mom like me can. I had my big 20 week ultrasound today & my placenta that was a complete previa, has moved! This little one is definitely a boy and looks very healthy on u/s. What a blessing, I can`t believe how it all gets built so well in there.

Delicious cocktail hour treats at the beach.

Grateful Wednesday

Today I am grateful to be feeling good and its beautiful outside.

I am grateful for the sweetness of my toddler right now, his hugs and kisses are the best. Pulling him in a wagon at the garden store was excellent.

I am grateful for a LLL meeting last night that flowed smoothly after a challenging start and many new mamas enjoying the heck out of their babies.

Being right on the beach was the best! It was the best sleep I`ve had in years.

the view from our bedroom at the beach in Emerald Isle!

So, I was having a very hard day with big worries about Chunky # 4 and yet nothing has happened yet, its just doctors throwing probabilities and stats at me.

I go pick up my contax and they were playing Don Henley in the waiting room. I felt instantly relaxed as I pictured myself not pregnant one day, with kids entertaining themselves at the beach as I stand with a drink in my hand watching the sunset and hearing the Eagles. AHH, instant relaxation. As I left the office I thought wouldn`t it be nice if I could turn on the radio & keep hearing the Eagles. And it happened exactly like that! So it goes to show, you never know. I`m simple, I`ll take any little sign, so that little sign makes me feel a little better. Tomorrow we head for the beach!

Oh, I have not been motivated at all to be here writing about anything. I am not sick anymore, but the dear husband had surgery and had his shoulder rebuilt so it has been a mellow nursing environ. I am busy growing my 4th BOY, so exciting to be a boy mama. Too much stress though, I like the non pregnant part of life a lot, going to wineries, kayaking & trekking with the heft of a toddler on my back. one day I`ll do that again, now I have to stay positive and grow grow grow!

Big Mama & her big boyz

Since the nausea is almost past, here`s 2 lovely images of me in the thick of it. And a beautiful clean living room, since its the only room in the whole house I can maintain!

Here are two of the greatest songs I`ve heard recently:

Be without You--Mary J Blige

Dear Mr. Fantasy--Traffic

Not much to report, its January, 4 out of 4 people here have terrible colds, its butt ugly outside, I`m nauseous all day and 2 children at Jakob`s party had diseases that are super contagious and one is extremely dangerous to unborn people. I have to wait & see if the kids and I come down with either sickness. Goody Gumdrops!This is the time of year you just slog through, what`s the point of January when there isn`t even snow?

Yay! A digital camera for Christmas!

Alistair
This boy's name is used in English. Its source is Alasdair, a Gaelic name meaning "Protector of men."

Its been a wonderful, extremely blessed Christmas for my 2 boyz. I stop & think often about their brother who`s not here, there`s an empty 3 year old size space missing from every table and gathering. I love that his name means "protector of men", I have to admit, we picked it because it sounded cool, not because of what it meant. Now that I know what it means, its so fitting, because I`m sure he watches over and protects his brothers, just like my sister watched over me when I was a kid. I feel bad because for the first time I didn`t make an ornament for him and we are not big on going to the grave because he`s just not there. So, I`ll just mention him here, because I can.

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus laid down His sweet head.
The stars in the sky looked down where He lay,
The little Lord Jesus, asleep on the hay.

That is just a heartbreaking image of this precious newborn starting out life so humbly.

On Grey`s Anatomy the other night there were 2 doctors who are dating and the guy is very spiritual and also an extremely talented heart surgeon. The woman is an intern and doesn`t believe in God. The two of them were very worried about a little boy who had just had his second heart transplant and didn`t seem to be tolerating the new heart very well. The woman was freaking out and questioning everything. The guy said to her, " You know that powerlessness you feel right now? That`s why I believe in a higher power, because without God all of this (hospital life and death) would eat me up inside."

That has stuck with me all week. I continue to trust God and its a challenge, but I`ve had more experiences in my life proving there is a bigger plan than the opposite. If this life was it, how much would that suck?

You never know when you will find a good moment in an otherwise typical day. Driving to my friend`s house the other night I heard the most random U2 song in the world (thank you XM radio, thank you husband for XM radio!) Walk to the Water. It was just a perfect moment, the boyz were buckled in and happily quiet, the music was loud and after 20 years I finally see what all the fuss is about Bono. What an awesome voice because its exactly like another instrument in that song and it just proves that you can`t replace the most important instrument (IMO), the voice. INXS, dudes, what are you thinking? Michael is gone, you can`t have a new singer, you need a whole new name and everything. If Bono died, would U2 have a show to try and replace him?

Driving with the kids contained and music playing is why I love going to wineries so much, its not just the wine. Its a nice long drive and I was blessed with kids who love not-too-long car trips. Then, you get there and you find yourself in a beautiful piece of the country, a place you`d never normally see unless you have fancy Middleburg friends or something. Or you are fancy yourself. Anyway, the kids run free and we relax and eat and drink and meet new people who are also glad to have a beautiful day in the outdoors. I love it.

I sat down here with the intention to bitch about the challenges of my week, but all this positive stuff came out instead.

Its 10 o clock, do you know where the Creature is? Of course he`s awake and sitting with mama!

He`s almost 6 now, but this is my first boy and how he used to get around town with me.

Chile, so lovely. One day I hope my husband finally takes me there!

for my mom

October and November are cool, December doesn`t like me

I`m supposed to be blogging about all the fun a stay at home mama can have and it hasn`t turned out that way exactly. Yes, I still have wonderful moments of perfect joy and freedom out with the kids or just sitting and watching them play at home. I am thrilled to be with them. I can nap and I can read when I want. (But just not nap when I want) My house is cleaner than its ever been as I realize my goal of being truly domesticated. Some things are alright.

Here it is though, another Christmas with a huge challenge. I don`t even want to talk about what it is, it just sucks. Its like a flashback to 2 years ago. Everything was looking so good and now its all changed. Nobody`s sick, but I am just so sad about the latest raw deal. I hope I can look at things more positively soon.

Everything is basically out of our hands, all the time. God knows I am a simpleton, so I get extra reminders. This is why when life is good and you feel like celebrating, do it, because that record will spin the other way soon and you won`t want to party then.